In many relationships there comes a time when believability becomes an issue. Someone has been hurt. Someone has lied. Someone has been manipulative. Someone feels cheated. The circumstances which can lead to the believability crisis can vary widely. In any case the crisis revolves around trust.

As I counsel, the theme of trust is frequently repeated. There have been times that I have discovered that, in some relationships, trust has never been established. In others trust has been bruised or broken. In either case, the lack of trust becomes a barrier to communication. And when a couple is having trouble communicating, it becomes exponentially more difficult to solve problems.

This brings me to the title of this blog: An Optimist or a Sucker? If everyone who sat in my office was an optimist, we would be gaining ground on solutions quickly. There would be incentive to listen and to change. Why? Because they both have an internal motivation. Both partners in the relationship would look beyond the current circumstance that brought them to me, to see the benefit of effort. In other words, there would be love enough to make the effort worthwhile.

On the other hand, when trust is lacking or missing, there is little to no motivation to work toward solutions. The tragedy here is twofold: First, there is often a blindness to the fact that it is possible to rebuild trust. It takes time, emotional effort and a willingness to change…but it is possible. Second, the risk feels too great. “They have hurt me so many times. If I trust him/her and they fail me I will feel like I am a sucker again”. And so, the doors to healing begin to close. The willingness to make effort begins to dwindle. The potential for communication grows ever more silent.

I have often told couples that relationship is risk. I should probably put that on buttons and hand them out, or bumper stickers, or hats. It’s true. Even in the best relationships there is risk. It might be minimal, but it is there. A man might have had a lustful thought. Rather than letting it take root, he relates it to his wife. That is a risk. She listens to him without judgment and accepts him regardless. That is risk. Or, the wife sits around with other women and falls into the “let’s talk about our husbands” syndrome. She gets involved, but feels regret, so she tells him when he gets home. That is risk. He hears her out and determines to be such a good husband that there is nothing bad to talk about. That is risk.

If I could tell you one thing and I absolutely knew that you would put it into practice it would be this: Everything I have written today takes practice, so be willing to work on it. Yes, there is some risk involved, but he/she is worth it! Some will want to say that they can’t overcome their past. To that I would say that with Christ all things are possible! Put your faith in the Lord and in your mate. Don’t point fingers. (I wrote a book about that: Becoming An Inviting Target, available on Amazon! ) Be willing to share openly and, eventually, freely.

You can do this. You can contact me if you want guidance and coaching on getting through it. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither is the needed trust re-built quickly.

Chuck Phillips

Life Choices Christian Counseling,LLC

Licensed Christian Pastoral Counselor, N.C.C.A.

Board Certified Professional Life Coach, I.B.C.C.

LifeChoicesCLC.Com LifeChoicesCLC@gmail.com

573-280-5093