I hope that heading got your attention, but let me assure you that “I ain’t got the blues”, as some would sing it. I like to listen to a wide variety of styles of music, the Blues being one of them. I guess you could say that my musical tastes are rather eclectic. Classic Christian (70’s, 80’s), Classic Rock (late 60’s, 70’s), Jazz, Blues, some Funk and some heavier stuff.

I was listening to one of my favorite Blues singers, Joe Bonamassa, this morning. One of his songs has this line: “Don’t give all you have to love…” That struck me as a sad thing to sing about, but what should I expect from the Blues!?! It got me to thinking. Do I agree with it? Isn’t this a bit harsh or short-sighted? Apart from our love for God, should we “give all we have to love”, as regards our spouse?

If we were sitting together in a Counseling or Life Coaching session, I would pose that question and then give you some time to mull it over before you gave your answer. So, think about it. How would you answer? We could devolve into an in-depth discussion about prioritizing our emotions in order to determine how much of ourselves we should devote to different areas of our lives, but I don’t think that ‘s the point here.

I want you to think differently. Don’t simply quantify how much of your emotional reserves you’re willing to give to your spouse, your children, your extended family, even your job. I have taught lots of people about our “emotional tank” and once we expend emotions it often takes time to “refill” that tank. But rather than thinking in terms of quantity, how about we think in terms of effort?

What would it look like if we “give all we have” to loving our spouse in terms of effort? How about these ideas…

• We wouldn’t keep a record of how much we’ve done and expect a return on our efforts. Are we showing love or are we just making an emotional investment that should pay some dividends?
• We won’t watch the clock. In other words, there won’t be a limit on how much time is involved. If our mate needs us then we give the time necessary. If our mate wants time and attention or if a task needs to get done, we will give ourselves to it without looking over our shoulder at the clock and thinking that the game is about to begin.
• We will love even when we don’t feel like it. What an oxymoron that is!! How can we call it love but only want to show it when we feel like it? Does that mean we will show love only if our team just won the game? Will we limit our expressions of love only to those days we come home from work feeling like a million bucks? No, our mate is worth us pouring our emotions into them “heart and soul”, regardless of what kind of day (or hunting season, or football team’s success, etc.) we’ve had.
• We will focus on what is good and right and pure and lovely. See Philippians 4:8. One of the easiest things in the world is to emphasize what is wrong, what is bad, or what is missing. We are warned in that Bible verse not to focus on those things, but on what is the best. In fact we are told to “dwell on these things”. Do you “dwell”? That is, do you keep rolling things over and over in your mind until they grow to outsized proportions? Lots of people do this. But what if we began to dwell on things that are good rather than what is negative? That would change the atmosphere of any relationship!

You see, there are ways we can, and should “give all we have to love”. I’ll still listen to the Blues. Doesn’t mean I’ll agree with every word that is sung. I’m not going to take the experiences of a Blues singer as my guide on how to love! So, how would you answer the question posed above? Apart from our love for God, should we “give all we have to love”, as regards our spouse?

We can all use lessons and reminders on loving, can’t we? Nothing wrong with a gentle nudge in the right direction. In fact, we can take this truth and apply it appropriately to all of our relationships: Children; Extended family; Church family; Co-workers. Dwell on what is good and right and pure in every setting, giving ourselves appropriately to each relationship. Don’t be afraid to give yourself to others.

As always, I stand ready to come alongside you to help set the right standards in your relationships; to establish healthy boundaries; to enlarge your “emotional tank” so you have more to give. Let me know how I can help!

Chuck Phillips, Licensed Christian Pastoral Counselor, N.C.C.A. Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, I.B.C.C.

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