In my opinion, one of the great heroes of the faith is Dietrich Bonhoeffer. If you’re not familiar with him I would encourage you to pick up one or two of his books and give him a good read, or take in the movie that came out recently which gives a window into his life. In the book Letters and Papers From Prison (Macmillan Publishing, 1972) Bonhoeffer makes this statement: “Time lost is time in which we have failed to live a full human life, gain experience, learn, create and suffer; it is time that has not been filled up, but left empty“. He goes on to write about his experiences in the resistance movement working to stop Hitler, for which he was eventually martyred.

Bonhoeffer was making a statement about his use of time and he went on to write that those years were not “left empty” but were full to the max. As I read his words it struck me that his description of wasted and empty time applies to too many marriages and relationships in our day. I would be willing to wager that most, if not all, of us would agree that we have allowed time to slip away without having made the most of it. Give it a little bit of thought and I’m sure you can come up with examples of how you have allowed time to get away from you without filling it up.

What are some examples of allowing time to get away from us?

• I know this will hit close to home for many people, but watching sports is a great example. You may say that you watch your favorite team(s) with your loved one, to which I reply that watching together beats watching alone, but when the game(s) are over would you say that your relationship is better and stronger for it? Besides wanting to curse the refs there is precious little communication that goes on during football games!
• Another example that is especially true in the Midwest is hunting. There are lots of “hunting widows” this time of year, when (usually) the man hits the woods in search of the trophy buck and leaves his wife to tend to the home and children.
• Work can be a time waster. Not that you shouldn’t work! But do we sometimes give work a priority over hearth and home and lose the time that would be better spent with our mate and children?

These are three easy examples of how we mis-prioritize our time and end up empty-handed in our relationships. If we want to “live a full human life, gain experience, (and) learn…” how do we do it? How about giving up our rights in favor of our mate’s? Sure we could do whatever we want to do, but if we give our mate first place in our life will we be insisting on doing our own thing, leaving them out of it?

Can we also give some thought to how we view our roles in marriage? Both men and women have been known to drift into dominance, taking advantage of their mate’s perceived weaknesses. The longer this continues, the end result is a relationship that is based on power rather than love. You’ve all heard the quote from Lord Acton, “Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” We recognize the truth of this until it threatens our own power/position. Why would we ignore this truth when it might be about our own marriage? One of the hardest things to accomplish in marriage counseling is to open someone’s eyes to the truth of this in their marriage and then to get them to give up the dominance and power in favor of love.

You can do an easy evaluation of how you spend time in your home and marriage. Sit down a few times during the day and do a quick mental survey of how you’re spending your time. Are you reinforcing your relationship? As far as your marriage goes, is the time ending up empty or full? Is the result of how you spend your time ending up blessing your mate? Does the way you use your time make them feel more, or less, loved? Maybe the hardest question of all: would your mate agree with your assessment? The more you communicate about how you spent your time in the past, the better and wiser you will spend your time in the future, and the better and stronger your marriage will be.

Self-evaluation and introspection aren’t the most fun things to do, but as long as we are honest with ourselves and our mate, it can be time well spent! If you’d like someone to come alongside you and keep you accountable on this journey, contact me with the information below. Life Coaching can be an important part of making the most of your time!

Chuck Phillips, Licensed Christian Pastoral Counselor, N.C.C.A. Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, I.B.C.C.

LifeChoicesCLC.Com LifeChoicesCLC@gmail.com 573-280-5093