As my wife and I were working out this morning we were listening to classic rock, as per usual. A song by Yes came on (“I’ve seen all Good People”) with the line “don’t surround yourself with yourself”. Now I don’t claim to speak for the rock group as to what they meant by this line, but I do know what I think about it and it has to do with putting ourselves into what is often called an echo chamber. What does that mean? It means only putting ourselves in situations where we will find agreement with our ideas. No debate. No discussion. And certainly no dissention! Just people who agree with us.

The whole concept of being in an echo chamber has particular application to politics where we surround ourselves with like-minded people who will only reinforce our opinions, even when those opinions are ill-founded. But it applies to marriage as well. If I can apply the line from that song I would say that too often husbands and wives “surround themselves with themselves” when we hang out with others who only agree with us…or, who are too insecure or afraid to disagree. Isn’t it often true that husbands hang out with other men who feel free to bad-mouth the women? Or wives who gather together and end up talking about what’s wrong with the men? I know I’m stereotyping here, but this is certainly too common.

So, how do we break the cycle of living in the echo chamber? How do we stop expecting only agreement and begin to actively listen to our mate’s ideas and opinions? I fear this whole concept is being lost in our society today, often beginning on college campuses, but not limited to that arena. Let me give you three C’s that I believe will help break this cycle…if we choose them.

COURTESY. Very nearly a lost art. How hard is it to say “Thank you”? Why do we pass by opportunities to do the polite thing, instead providing evidence of our indifference? Some might say, “I have said ‘Thank you’ hundreds of times. He/She knows I appreciate that!” Number one, that’s an assumption on your part. And number two, how many times is enough? Courtesy costs you nothing and reaps rewards that you are missing out on. Look for ways to be courteous. Don’t let another opportunity pass you by without giving evidence of your attention to them rather than your indifference!

CONSIDERATION. To one degree or another people like to get their own way, am I right? Whether it’s favorite foods, preferred TV shows or movies, the best way to drive or favorite vacation spots it can be a battle royale when it comes to making decisions. But think about this: your opinion of the best vacation spot is just that…your opinion. And your mate also has one! They have an opinion about the best vacation spot, the best foods, the best shows, and on it goes. If you both agree no problem! But if not, and you want to break out of the echo chamber here give consideration to what your mate prefers. Otherwise all you are doing is perpetuating your selfishness and lack of love. Here’s a concrete example of what I observe routinely: A couple gets out of their car at the store and the man walks away from his wife and leaves her several yards behind him. It’s as if he’s on a mission and she’s excess baggage (especially when she’s dealing with the children alone!). How hard is it to make the effort to communicate that you value each other by making sure you are together?

COMPLIMENT. What does your mate do well? Cooking? Decorating? Getting the kids ready for church? How does your mate meet your needs? Paying attention to the foods you like? Offering a back rub with no ulterior motive? Getting the kids ready for church so you don’t have to? These and countless other ideas give you plenty of opportunity to shower them with compliments. Don’t just say “Thank you”. Go beyond the minimum. Say “Thanks” and then tell them what you appreciate about their efforts. Tell them that it means a lot to you that they think of you in these ways. Compliments ought to be on the tip of every tongue when it comes to marriage relationships. And there’s no statute of limitations on how long and often we ought to give compliments.

The whole point here is to break out of doing the same old thing and listening to the same old excuses from the same old friends. Your marriage deserves better than an echo chamber of ideas. Make the choice! Courtesy. Consideration. Compliments.

If you want more ideas about strengthening your marriage relationship you can subscribe to this post on the website. You can also contact me for marriage counseling or coaching. Let’s get you on the right track!

Chuck Phillips, Licensed Christian Pastoral Counselor, N.C.C.A. Board Certified Advanced Christian Life Coach, I.B.C.C.

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